Crossroads

This is an interesting point in my life. Or at least staring at it from my point of view is. Maybe in the grand scheme of things it's insignificant and maybe to others it's a non-issue altogether. However, these few things are weighing on my mind and I can't seem to shake them.

Work

I'm ready to give my 2-week notice without anything lined up. It's a horrible position to be in and this is now the second job I've had where I feel this way. I won't get into particulars because that's entirely inappropriate -- arguably bringing this up in a blog is inappropriate but I'm an emotional kind of guy and that's where I'm at right now.

We're using excruciatingly inefficient tools on third rate hardware on a system that should have been laid to rest back in 1985. Plus, I'm put into a position where I'm living a hypocritical life. It's very frustrating. What's even more frustrating is when you point out all the inadequacies, show them a cost effective solution that will benefit the company 10 fold, and they just sit on their laurels and do nothing. It's like watching someone smash their head into a brick wall repeatedly.

TNT

I love this group. I love what they stand for, I love what they do, and I love the friends I've met through the organization. I've got nothing bad to say about it at all. It's really great. Which brings me to my point. I've got two concerns with TNT but one I think has an obvious solution.

The first concern is whether or not to mentor a 2009 summer event. This essentially means I would help individuals reach their fundraising and fitness goals. But I think the answer to this is an obvious no for me. To start with I'm far too selfish with my time. That definitely doesn't work right off the bat. But aside from that I was reading their list of qualifications and of the four I barely meet one of them.

I'm not committed to attend a majority of the trainings and meetings. I'm also not at all knowledgeable in the area of fundraising. My commitment to the society goes as far as skin deep. Like I said, I love who they are and what they do. But I don't have that emotional or spiritual attachment that someone who's been personally touched by this disease does. That creates a whole new level of appreciation and respect for the work being done. I [thankfully] don't have that.

Think of it this way. We all have an appreciation on one level or another to the Great Wall of China. It's a magnificent creation and one of the great wonders of the world. But if you've never been there all you have to go on is the self generated amazement you get from postcards, pictures, and television. But if you've been there and seen it in all its glory. If you've touched it and run your hand along it. If you've walked the wall then you develop an intimate relationship with it. It is now not a self generated amazement so much as it is a pure and deep respect for something that is simply amazing and mind boggling.

Now, if someone comes up to you and says "Hey, let's raise money to restore the Great Wall of China!" and you've never been there yourself you'd probably say "Sounds like a swell idea. Where do I sign up?" However, if you've been there. If The Wall has personal meaning to you and someone approaches you with the same question, your answer would be more like "Damn straight mother fscker! That's an amazing idea! What did you have in mind? How much should we get? Should I try to contact the mayor? Let's do some recruiting! How about we sponsor a local marathon as a charity event to raise money?!"

That's the difference. I have the former, not the latter. Because of that I wouldn't make a good mentor.

The second concern with TNT for 2009 is with the fundraising. It took me a significant amount of time and energy to raise the $2,100 minimum for the LTF Triathlon this year. And it took me right to the end to get there.

The event I'm considering for 2009 is the Pacific Crest Weekend Sports Festival Half Ironman. The fundraising goal minimum for this is $5,300. That's just over two and a half times more than my previous goal. And in case you haven't been keeping score with current events, the economy isn't exactly booming (read: it's going to be harder this time around to get funds than last time).

Training

I've honestly got to do whatever I can to NOT repeat 2008. Right now I'm so burned out I can barely tolerate even thinking about exercising. I've not exercised since my failed swimming attempt on Tuesday and have no idea in mind for when I'm going to get back into the game.

My problem is I don't know when to say when until I physically cannot do it anymore. Anyone who knows me well knows I have a slight issue with a thing I like to refer to as "moderation." By that I mean I am utterly incapable of it. Everything I do is in excess: eat, drink, exercise, work (not time-wise but intensity-wise), complain, and sleep just to name a few. This is a genetic thing too. I've looked into it. I am what I am and there's nothing to be done about it.

But I don't want to train like that this time around. I really need to find a way to train and not train like tomorrow is never going to happen.

Any suggestions or comments about anything above is more than welcome. I have other concerns but it's late and I can't think anymore.