Thursday, April 30, 2009

Trying to find meaning in it all

Fitness is a strange creature. It isn't just something we do from time to time. It's actually a relationship. And like all relationships it has its ups and downs. Take for instance my last post. Last time I wrote about how I think I'm going to stop triathloning all together and never set foot in a multi-sport arena again. Then today I go out for a run and it was amazing. The connection I had with my surroundings, my form felt impeccable and my pace was actually not that bad. It was a great run. The best run I've had since before my IT band injury.

To top that off, I swam this morning for an hour and it too was one of the most amazing swims I've ever had. Every stroke felt powerful. I was pushing through the water at the pace that felt correct (70% on some laps, 80-85% on others), and at the end I really felt like I worked.

It's unclear to me what's been going on. I do understand life has highs and lows that we all fall into from time to time. I don't know if everyone feels like this but when I'm in my lows it feels like it'll never change. It feels like I'm at the bottom. Alone. Cold. Everything is working against me and it will never stop being that way. Water tastes like salt, the sunlight hitting my skin doesn't feel warm, my workouts are bad, my job performance is poor, and my attitude is less than desirable.

Then, at some point, I experience a 180 to the twentieth power. My body glides effortlessly through the water, I feel powerful and could do it for days, I tear through the wind on my bike like it wasn't even there, I flow on the running course, my work is fun and pleasurable, taste returns, everything is bright, I feel connected to nature and all the living things around me. Even water tastes delicious.

I'm very attached to my emotions and unfortunately I've let them drive me in almost everything I do. What I think has been happening is I've moved away from a life in integrity and selflessness and into one of self centeredness. I've focused on myself in all areas and in the process have lost sight of a lot of the things that matter: friends, family, spirituality, morals, and character. I've traded these for a selfish life. But through the help of some motivational books, the bible, and other forms of inspiration, I'm rediscovering a value system that puts emphasis on others while at the same time growing as a person. It's given me insight into a lot of areas of my life that needed (and still need) attention. But, just as Rome wasn't built in a day, neither will this wall of self focus. But God really is working some good stuff in my life. I'll take it a day at a time and let tomorrow hand itself over when it gets here.

Here's todays run:


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